well, you are mostly right. I did. A few times, but ultimately I have found myself thinking more about running and remembering what it feels like after a great run and how when I'm consistently running how good it feels. So this blog post is about memory.
My last post was a positive, uplifting memory of feeling like I was going to be ready for the Falmouth Road Race. It didn't last. I think I ran a few more times after that one, then it got wicked hot, I got bored on the treadmill and couldn't even walk outside, let alone run and I decided not to run the race. My friend, H, had decided not to run either and we were going to just cheer on my BFF, A, during his first running race, and I relaxed and started sleeping again. Then, after a relaxing day on a beautiful beach in Cape Cod and spaghetti dinner (sympathy carb loading with A) H decided we were going to run too. I resisted for a long time, cried a little and finally agreed to go buy a new sports bra since I hadn't even packed mine, and at least give the race a try.
I was a wreck the night before, but by the morning of the race I had relaxed. I wasn't prepared, mentally, emotional or physically, so I just decided to go with it and see what happened. Well, what happened was, H ran with me, slowly, but I could tell I was holding her back, despite some physical foot problems she had been suffering from, she felt pretty good. Feeling guilty for keeping her, I told her to go on. She hadn't brought a phone and was anxious about completing the race too, so because her parents live two miles in to the course I told her to take mine and I would bail out at their house.
So, on she went with my phone and as soon as she ran off ahead I felt relieved. Running with someone had really stressed me out and I started to think, maybe I can do this.... But when the time came and I arrived upon her parents cheering at the end of their road, I got nervous. Now I'm without a line of communication and what if I get 5 miles in and can't finish or contact anyone to come find me. That, combined with my lack of confidence in my ability to run the race the way I wanted to, caused me to quit.
I quit and I was so mad about it. I was a little mad that I ran the race even though I wasn't ready. I was mad that I didn't finish what I started. I was even mad that I was mad. Once I got over being mad, I decided that I was actually really proud of myself for at least trying. I know what the race is like, I know the worst of the course (the beginning!) and I know that if I work hard, I could do it again, and finish it.
Despite feeling like it was something I could, and wanted to do, I came home and hadn't run again until today. My friends and I do the Lupus Loop in Philly every year and I usually walk it. I had been hoping to run it this year, but each day I would say, I should really start running again and then I wouldn't. So now that that school is back underway and I am in a routine, I decided that today was the day to start.
So here is where the idea of memory comes back into play. I think that muscle, and maybe even what I might call physical memory is an amazing thing! I haven't run in almost two months, and that was just once for the race, before that it was probably another month. So I didn't know what would happen when I went back out there. I can't say it was sunshine and rainbows. Actually, it was humid and cloudy, but that's not really what I mean. I did just shy of 2.5 miles and ran almost half of that, in intervals. It was slow, and it hurt, sometimes a lot, but it certainly didn't feel like when I first started the couch to 5k plan 9 months ago. I remembered. I could recall what it felt like to run two miles, both emotionally and also physically. My muscles remembered too, and I find this pretty amazing.
Maybe even amazing enough to remember this feeling on Thursday and to go back out there and run some more!
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